It’s late. You’ve been drinking. You’ve got that unshakeable hunger for something hot and oily and juicy. You could swing past that kebab joint near the station on your way home and suit the craving that way. But... there’s a problem.
You’re drunk at home tonight because your friends don’t want you hanging around after what happened last weekend at Darren’s place in the laundry with his purebred Suffolk lamb. Why does he have a pet Suffolk lamb in his laundry? It doesn’t matter, they tell you. And if it did matter, what you did wasn’t going to shed any light on the question.
So you’re at home, drunk, questioning your sexuality and you’re craving something to eat. It has to be quick. It has to be easy. It can’t be lamb. At least... not until you reconcile these feelings you’re having...
How about a super easy pizza? A unique one. Because you’re a unique sort of guy.
Put your oven on it’s highest setting and chuck a thin oven tray in there.
Take a wrap. I use a souvlaki wrap because it has a nice thickness but you could use a Lebanese one or something like that.
Spread it very thinly with taramosalata (should be around a heaped tablespoon).
Get some buffalo mozzarella. Around 50 grams should do it (which is roughly half a medium sized ball). Tear it into a few chunks and put it around the pizza. Don’t put it in the centre as it could make it soggy. I know it’s hard to concentrate now because the white cheese is reminding you of a Suffolk lamb, but I need you to stay with me for a bit longer.
Give the whole thing a little drizzle with olive oil.
Hopefully your oven is screaming hot now. Put the pizza on the tray and let it cook. Cook it until the edges are well browned but not burnt. It should take around 10 mins.
Take the pizza out. Another drizzle with olive oil. A few drops of lemon juice if you have a lemon around. A little cracked black pepper. Slice into pieces.
Cry yourself to sleep.